Ketita (ketita) wrote,

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Watch out for the c-r-a-c-k

Hold on to your hats, people, and take a deep breath, because I bring fanfiction. And unlike practically everything I've posted so far, this one is not an angstfest!
I bring you crack and silliness, written erm...very late at night.

Title: Rewrite
Author: ketita
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Silliness and anime spoilers ahead, and much breakage of the Fourth Wall.


Lust looked around her room in Dante's mansion, decided she must be imagining things, and turned to leave.


The call was more urgent this time.

She frowned and scanned the room yet again, this time glimpsing a head of blond hair out the window.

"What the hell are you doing here?" she snapped. "You're only supposed to appear in another few episodes. I'm not even supposed to know you!"

"Don't yell, will you?" the frustrated voice came. "I'll explain everything, if you promise you won't kill me. We're Offscreen right now anyway."

Lust crossed her arms. "This had better be good, Tree-boy."

Russel Tringham pulled himself carefully up and sat on the window sill. "Oh, it's good," he promised. He brushed a few leaves out of his hair, seeming to enjoy the slight sense of power he had at the moment to actually have a homunculus wait on his words. "Elric got a copy of the Script."

"What?" It was impossible. Nobody could get their hands on the Script. Dante had been trying for ages, even attempting to hatch a plan involving kidnapping one of the Scriptwriters, but to no avail. "How the hell did he manage to do that?" she managed, once she picked her jaw back up off the floor.

"I dunno," Russel sighed, slightly jealous. "I guess it has something to do with him being the guy who always pulls off the impossible stuff in this story."

"Well, it's not going to work this time," Lust said smugly. "The Stone is already created – there's nothing he can do about it."

The alchemist shook his head. "Ah-ah, remember, he's got the script. He checked what happens. And…" he paused for dramatic effect, "it's bad."

"…how bad?" Lust asked suspiciously.

"For one, you die, and you don't even get a really awesome fight scene, either. Turns out those cool fights in the Opening Credits were misleading. Nothing like that happens."

Lust sighed in disappointment, then what he said abruptly penetrated. "What do you mean I die?!" she nearly shrieked. "I'm the first sin shown in the series! They can't kill me off just like that! It's because of that bitch Envy, isn't it? I bet he doesn't die…" she trailed off into incoherent muttering.

"That's why shrimpy Fullmetal is proposing --- ---- ----" he beckoned Lust over and murmured a few words in her ear.

"That's crazy!" Lust whispered, impressed despite herself at the sheer audacity of the Plan. "We'll never get away with it."

"We've got nothing to lose if we try," Russel said persuasively.

"It'll never work. The story's following Fullmetal right now! When exactly does he expect to steal Offscreen time?"

Russel grinned. "Elric told me to tell you that some Winry and Sciezka persons are going to be Onscreen very soon. If we hurry, that should give us enough time to discuss the Plan."

Lust bit her lip. That Person would never agree to any kind of negotiations.

Already with one leg out the window, Russel looked back at her. "Only tell the ones you think will be convinced. Bye." And he vanished in a rustle of leaves.


In the middle of the forest, there was a table. A long, carved-wood, rectangular table, with red plush chairs sitting around it, looking completely out of place.

Edward's sense of tackiness was still alive and kicking.

Slowly, surreptitiously, the invited characters started to arrive. Each one froze and blinked in the exact same horrified nonplussed way upon seeing the table.

Sitting at the head was Edward, who was getting rather sick of the looks. "We don't have all day, you know," he finally snapped. "I'm Onscreen again real soon, and at that point it's going to be too late."

The assembled characters looked at each other suspiciously, before unwillingly taking seats.

Envy shot a murderous glare at Havoc when he tried to sit next to him. Havoc gulped, and opted to sit next to Armstrong, who was seated at Ed's left hand. Al was standing defensively behind his brother.
Lust rolled her eyes and sat down next to Envy, Rose on her other side. Mustang stalked over to Ed's right hand, and had a brief battle of wills with the boy over the seat of power at the head of the table. Surprisingly, Mustang lost.

Also present were Russel, Sloth, Wrath, Hawkeye, and (surprisingly enough) Archer.

"What's he doing here?" Roy immediately demanded, pointing his thumb at the offending military officer. Archer contrived to look offended.

Ed dismissed the question. "He's got a stake in this as well." The blond alchemist stood up, frowned, then stood on his chair for his oration.

"Free Characters of Fullmetal Alchemist," the title was delivered with a certain smugness, "I have seen the future, and it is bleak!"

"Cut the drama, Pipsqueak, and tell me why I care," Envy cut in.

Scowling, Ed refused to back down. "I'm the one that has the Script. You should care, Envy, you have no idea of the horrors in store for you. You're going to be practically destroyed! Your brain apparently turns to mush, for you behave in the most idiotic way. You end up turning into a snake, Envy." Ed's eyes fixed the homunculus' with glittering intensity. "A butt-ugly snake!"

A gasp rippled around the table, and Envy leaned back in his chair, gripping the armrests, visibly paler. The other characters held their breaths, suddenly frightened of what they might find out.

Ed wasn't finished. "Havoc – you don't get a girlfriend. Not even a hope of one." His incriminating finger moved to Wrath. "You are irrevocably crippled."

"Roy – you lose an eye. You don't even get to be Fuhrer. You're demoted. Liza – you're forced to babysit Roy to the end of your days. Sloth – you're killed ignominiously, by yours truly. Archer – you become a freakish, stupid Terminator ripoff. Russel, you're just ignored."

Panting could be heard around the table, and Ed allowed them a moment of silence to contemplate their miserable fates.

"It gets worse, though," Ed said, his voice dropping ominously. "I heard there's going to be a movie."

He had them.


"Ah, but you haven't even mentioned the horrible fate in store for you!" Armstrong practically shouted, tears running down his cheeks. "A terrible ending to such a story of courage and perseverance!"

"Nevermind that now," Ed mumbled, not liking the gleam in several of the assembled peoples' eyes.

"Terrible fate?" Wrath asked expectantly.

"That's not the issue. Fellow characters," Ed announced, regaining his 'orator' mode, "I propose….a Mutiny."

Had they been Onscreen, dramatic music would have punctuated this bold suggestion, but as they were all hiding Offscreen, they were forced to let this climactic moment pass by in slightly anticlimactic silence.

"It's impossible," Archer said flatly. "Didn't you hear what happened to the Ranma 1/2 cast? They tried to Mutiny, in the manga no less. They actually nearly had themselves cured and the wedding under way when the Powers That Be got wind of it. They took over, and left the cast hanging. No resolution, no conclusion."

The absolute nightmare of every character.

A short, sympathetic moment of silence was shared for the poor victims of the Ranma 1/2 Mutiny, all too soon broken.

"We can't risk it," said Russel.

"If we're careful, we can make it," Ed explained, and pulled out of his coat – the Script. "It's going to demand everyone's cooperation, though. If we do it, we can tweak the story bit by bit – throw in good Plot Twists, make them think it was their idea. If we're in it together, there are less chances of Them taking control of one of us to screw everything up."

"I propose we wait until after episode 43," Roy said, nose buried in the Script which he had appropriated when Ed was busy lecturing.

"Hey!" Ed snatched the Script back. "No, we've gotta start now."

"But I get to assert my authority over you, and kick your ass!"

"NO. We're skipping that bit."

Envy, finally recovered from the shock of possibly becoming an ugly snake, cut in. "So Shorty, what's your offer? I'll only cooperate if there's something in it for me. I want Hohenheim dead."

"That's a sacrifice I'm sure we can make," Ed said magnanimously.

"Brother!" Al snapped. "He's our father!"

"It's for the greater good, Al," Ed lay a sympathetic hand on Al's metal arm. "For the sake of everybody's happiness, we must, tragically, make some sacrifices." Small sparkles floated around Ed's head, ruining the moment a bit.

"I want a girlfriend, then," Havoc broke in.

"Sciezka?" Liza suggested.

"Perfect," Ed agreed. "Next?"

"You didn't even ask her," Wrath mumbled, slightly awed at the cavalier way Ed was going about rearranging the Series.

Ed waved his hand dismissively. "We'll manage."

"I'm Fuhrer, of course," Roy said, and Ed nodded. It figured.

Lust had an evil grin on her face. "I want…I want to finally act my namesake. This series is far too clean to have a character named 'Lust'. The price for my cooperation is…you, Edward."

Ed paled, his eyes wide. "No way, we are not going there!"

"Stay away from my son, bitch!" Sloth cried, abruptly deciding to take an active part in the proceedings.

"What about meeeee?!" Wrath wailed, clinging to his 'Momma'.

"You were the one making speeches about necessary sacrifices only a moment ago," Roy observed innocently.

"Not that kind of sacrifices!" Ed snapped. "Open one window, and next thing you know we'll have one big orgy-fest, with me always on the bottom. That's fanfiction," Ed practically spat the word.

"I won't go for anything else," Lust said firmly.

"How about a compromise?" Liza suggested soothingly. "Just Lust. No orgies."

Roy made a disappointed sound in his throat, but Liza glared at him firmly.

Edward whimpered and looked for sympathy, but there was none to be found. "My poor innocence," he sniffled. "Y'all are nasty people."

"It's still better than the ending you were supposed to have…" Al mumbled. "And besides, Lust can't be that bad with a name like that-"

Shocked silence flew around the table several times before hitting a tree and dying an ignominious death.

"Al…you perv!" Edward wailed. "You-"

"You're Onscreen in a few minutes," Armstrong cut in effectively.

The assembled Cast immediately grew serious again.

"I want a promotion," Archer announced.

"Yeah, sure, whatever," Ed agreed, before Mustang could say anything.

"We are going to have a serious discussion about your attitude after this," Roy informed Edward darkly.

"Two minutes," Al said. Ed got edgy.

"Fine. Let's do this. Are you with me?" He used the full intensity of his Elric Stare to bind them to his cause.

All around the table there were nods. They were with him.

"Mustang…the Pen." Edward held out his hand, and gingerly took the proffered writing utensil.

Everybody held their breath as he opened the Script, and started writing carefully.

It was their only hope.

"Your handwriting is atrocious," Roy commented snidely.
"You're just jealous."

Ed suddenly dropped the pen. "I…I can't do it!" he wailed.

The table erupted in outcry, mostly along the lines of "what the hell are you saying?!" and "NOW?!?!" and "One minute left!"

"What the hell is the problem?" Roy demanded.

"If I change the script now…" Ed clenched his fists, "I'll never meet Alfons!"

"Meet who?!"

"He's the alter-Alphonse. He's supposed to appear in the movie."

Al loomed over his brother. "Broootheeerrrrr…" he growled warningly, "who the hell is he?! Are you saying he's more important than me?!"

Who knew that Al had a jealous streak ten miles wide?

"Of course not!" Ed looked at his brother earnestly. "But think about it! I could have two Als! Now he'll be all sad and alone…how can I abandon an alter of my little brother?"

"Screw it," Roy snapped over the groans around the table, and grabbed the Script. He scribbled a few words. "I'm bringing him over here. Shut up and stop sniveling. You're Onscreen in half a minute."

Ed gulped tearfully. "But the Plotholes…"

"-are big enough for tanks to drive through as it is."

A portal appeared in the air, dropping a very confused and disoriented Alfons Heidrich on the ground next to the table.

"What…where?" he looked around with wide blue eyes.

Ed immediately attached himself to Alfons' neck, promising to take care of him and that everything would be alright, but he had to go Onscreen right now so wait right here meanwhile, ok?

Alphonse was busy glaring a whole arsenal of deadly weaponry at this Heidrich boy who was trying to steal his Edward away from him. Really, who did the bitch think he was?

"Onscreen!" Armstrong bellowed, and Ed and Al immediately scampered off.

The other characters slowly made their separate ways, nobody quite sure what to do with Alfons.
Except for Sloth, who was fawning over her 'new son', much to Wrath's eternal misery.

"But…but where am I?" the poor boy kept asking in a language that nobody should have understood, but did because of another uncharted Plothole. "And what am I doing here? Who are you? What's happening to me?!?!?!"


A/N: Well, that was fun. I hope you enjoyed reading it. Now it's back to Angst Central for me...
Tags: fanfic, fullmetal alchemist
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